Me...

(If you see me in future, dont bring this up)

Help... I am afraid of commitment. I think I am okay with intimacy. I have formed amny of that over time. Not necessarily sexual, but the talk, the closeness, the affection (if that is what intimacy is) But commitment is a bone I have not learned to crack. I have had relationships but the commitment to it, the putting all you can into it as not exactly been achievable. I had often thought some girls just like playing games, or are not stable enough, not knowing what they want and true in some cases but in cases it was just me. Just I take that step, I fail by hesitation.

I chilled with a lady this weekend, and she mentioned to me "I am sure a lot of girl like you and want you but you dont bulge." She looks like she is ready to do what is necessary to get me, and I am a sucker for people who read me well. For its true, I know girls who like me but like them all I want I cant seem to make that move. Once they get closer, due to my subtle invitation and sweet mouth and this inclination to wriggle out of foot-in-mouth situations, I slither away. They are dazed, I am confused. Often times I have chased after the "elusive" girl, and I think I know why. I feel comfortable knowing there is no commitment there but really her staying away is a result of getting tired waiting. CAn I blame her?

Of course there has been the girl I like and will go after, something about those girls stand out from others and my instincts on them are usually right but I cant make it happen. Are they afraid of commitment?

If I am honest I will say I know what the issues are. Not that I can trace them to childhood or some traumatic events, but they might be simple.
I am afraid to let go. I am an addictive person. What I enjoy I give myself to. A challenge I pick up on is one I throw myself to. Take blogging, sometimes I dont know what to blog about but I cant quit blogging. I started it, have to foiinish it... I dont know what the finishing line is but I will continue. I have tried a few stick of cigarette, but I know not to try it continuously I will be hooked. My friends know it. If I pick it up I wont stop. I think the fear is that if I get into a relationship and it is not working I will not know to hold back. I feel this sense of responsibility to keep it going, some sort of self pity to not let somone down or disappoint them. I care too much.

Sometimes I wonder if I can make the right choice. But I have to be in one to know. In one of the bloigs I read, the author says "I’m at that age where I see the goodbyes in every hello. My biggest weakness when it comes to relationship is over analyzing everything and not enjoying them. " This is how I have been most of my life and I keep having this feeling that at this stage I cant just try something for trying. And I cant just go all out for everything either. Atleast thats how I think of it. It seems like everyone around me wants to get married which is not a bad thing, but does that means my commitment to that person starting out will end up in that. Someone said if you are afraid of been hated you are not ready to be loved. I dont mind been hated its what will happen to that person's dreams and hopes, their expectations not been fulfilled while I take up their time that holds me back; not that its my plan but it can happen and nothing I can do about it. Maybe thats where the hate comes in.

I must confess, I have met girls i have gone for, future be damned, but not every venture goes ur way.

I will go for what I want but the future is scary. You probably say this is someone who wont get far, or missing out of great things. Perhaps.